"may you live in interesting times"

 Here’s something funny… I have always used “may you live in interesting times” as a bit of an insult.  Now I always thought it was something that the Dalia Lama said  - according to me looking at the interwebs – no.  It’s actually a Chinese curse that has no direct correlation to either the Dalai Lama or english.

 

This now actually makes me laugh because when I look at my life and other people’s lives – I see no direct correlation.

 

There have been more than enough people who told me that they wished I would live in interesting times.  I don’t think they realised just how interesting my life would turn out, I had no idea of interesting my life would turn out.  Of course the irony is that - I thought I wanted the house, the kids, the white picket fence, the two dogs so on…. I had that and I lost it (the character Mouse in Tales of the City desires the same thing and realises it’s not him) – that will come though.

 

I will explain a couple of things – I will breach the fourth wall more often than not, it’s how I write.  I want this to be like I am actually talking to you, I want you to hear my cackle or my snort when I laugh – I don’t laugh pretty.  I snort!  It’s really one of my most redeeming features… I’m very self-deprecating – I am the first person to make fun of myself.  I’ve been referred to and nicknamed “Super Sassy” – straight men just can’t handle sarcasm – I am not that sassy (my cellmate and best friend Will would totally argue otherwise – what does he know!).  I am maybe somewhat, a little, a smidge sarcastic.  I use it as a defence mechanism – I don’t want people getting too close (I deal with mental illnesses at some other stage).

Part of this is for myself – YAY ME!!!! – it’s that whole cathartic thing of writing to just “get it on paper” and hopefully if anyone else reads this they’ll get some amusement from it, the odd laugh (I do some truly stupid things) and maybe get a better understanding of people who are trying to navigate mental illness and being someone who went to prison and is now out on parole – I have to deal with my own feelings around this and deal with people’s perceptions of me and deal with my perceptions of other people’s perceptions of me.  Yes I realise that’s a mouthful – one thing I’ve noticed is that I tend assume what people think about me – either rightly or wrongly – there’s a fair bit of anxiety wrapped around this as well.

 

Looking back at my life – I think I have led enough interesting lifetimes for a few people…  A friend of my ex-husband’s suggested years ago that I should write a book called “how to raise children with dignity, style and a sense of humour.”  I was joking with my social worker that I should change it to “how to raise children with dignity, style, a sense of humour and a prison record.”  I’m sure it will sell like hotcakes laughs.  I’m probably just safer with going “how to adult with dignity, style, a sense of humour and a prison record.”  It’s sort of funny to think that coming out of prison – I’ve grown up… I’m 47 years old and I’m finally (mostly) an adult, it’s not going to be an easy road as it’s very easy to lapse back into previous patterns.  I mean ffs – I’m 47 and I’m finally all grown up and shit… a large part of that is probably owning the fact that I did what I did, having to deal with the amount of discrimination that I did – It’s funny when you think that I have had to deal with discrimination most of my life and the worse I got it was in prison, that too will be detailed later.

 

Look I’ll be honest – this at times will be a long rambling piece of work.  My typing isn’t the greatest at times and I tend to miss words.  So it’s like a mystery game!

 

I’ve said this to a few people so far – all I am trying to do is life my live, I don’t quite know what shape or form that is going to take yet – it’s just what it is – I just want to live a nice, simple life.  Probably the chances of this happening…

May you lead an interesting life.

It’s not a curse or an insult – it’s my blessing for you.