I’m not quite where to start this at the moment. I watch stuff like Drag Race where 10 year old kids are confident to go to a convenient in drag and they accept that their sexual preference is most likely non-binary. At 10! And their parents are being supportive. This I think is the world I would have loved to grown up in – where the airy-fairy artsy-farty bookish child could be encouraged. I loved art!!!! OMG! Did I ever! It was my favourite subject in school and getting to see a Pop Art exhibition at the State Gallery in 1984 was mindblowing! Brisbane NEVER EVER GOT big shows – and there’s Andy Warhol soup cans, Roy Lichtenstien paintings and it’s funny the Lichtenstien painting I always thought had more of an impact on me. There was also David Hockney’s Splash series – my god those paintings are amazing the grapic quality, the angles…. I’m a frustrated commercial artist at the end of the day!!!! Well that was sort of a detour wasn’t it –laughs-
So anyway when I was growing up – I had no idea of what gay meant…
There wasn’t a clear notion of ‘gay’ – also considering that I grew up in a very conservative state that pretty much repressed any and all homosexual activity. This is what democracy looks like kids! There just was really anyone apart from the doctor in lost in space and grey haired dude from are you being served that were ‘gay’ – so basically the gay characters that you were exposed to were the ‘flamboyant’ gays and even one that really wasn’t (Dame Edna). So basically to be gay you had to be overly flamboyant or a drag queen. At least that was the impression I was left with. There really didn’t seem to be a “middle’ ground – you know ‘normal’ people. That wasn’t visible when I was growing up. I’ll be honest – that’s fucking hard – you’re cast adrift into a sea of hormones, emotions and trying to find yourself and there’s nothing you can look at go that’s who I should be.
One of my childhood heroes is Jim Richards – one of the greatest racing drivers in Australia EVER!!!!! There becomes that disconnect though where there’s that part of you that feels you don’t belong to that tribe. “If I’m gay I shouldn’t have an interest in cars…” Gays are supposed artsy fartsy overly dramatic and lisp… I was going somewhere with all this.
So factoring my parents divorce and dramas evolving from that (Mother kept disappearing out of our lives) and as a teenager I am trying to find my place in the world – trying to find my tribes, my interests. Some of my interests had commonality with my increasing interest in men. I had a bit of a crush on Pat Cash – I look back at that now and it’s just like… yeah… nah…
I fooled around with a couple of guys I went to school with – nothing major – we were teenagers experimenting. I personally thought nothing of it – I didn’t see it as being a big deal. Now I don’t know if that was because I was gay or because we had always been told how liberal the Netherlands were and being dutch… yeah probably column a. However there was always that part of me that thought I was doing the wrong thing because I had always been told it was wrong.
During this whole period I met the gay brother of one of Dad’s friends and I had a bunch of questions for him – the poor guy. I admire his bravery though being openly gay and HIV+ in a time when it wasn’t accepted. He was the first person that ever told me that I’m ok, I can be who I want to be and not worry what others think of me.
My main concern always was what would my family think if there was something different about me. Now I never asked him any technical questions it was all mostly to do around the emotional stuff that you have to deal with when you’re growing up. I will admit that growing up is probably easier for straight people as they don’t these “am I ok? Am I normal?” questions going their head constantly. Then not even get into the lockerroom situation – at this point thankfully I was fat so I was also non-threatening…. So it never came up as such for me. I was just universally detested for being fat, being gay, being mouthy – I really was sarcastic from a young age.
So anyway keeping all that in mind...
I had moved out of home – I had totalled my car – I think it was move first and car second – there was a like a day or two between the two events. So I moved in with a friend from school Michelle, she was actually a really nice girl. We need a little bit more background here….
So this was Brisbane in the 90s – public transport sucked. This literally was a city divided in two halves. The river… I guess that’s why we are called the river city. So anyway I was working in Taringa (up a fucking hill) and living in Herston (SO MANY fucking hills) and because I had no car…. I was walking 45 minutes each to the train station to get work – so say I’d a 5-6 hour shift and you can add 90 minutes to that for walking…. I started losing weight! I LOST SO MUCH WEIGHT… I was 128kgs when I moved in when I moved home I was 93kgs and that was over the course of 5 months. Not bad hey?
It was also around the same time I ever got blonde highlights – we shan’t discuss that though (the things I did to my hair when I had it!). Also pro-tip don’t carry free pizza on public transport – everyone will ask you for a slice… and then carrying it the 45 minutes to home…. Yeah… nah… not so convenient…
I did have a whole thing already written here and word decided to crash and take everything with it… lessons for me save more regularly.
Hopefully take 2 will be better written!
So taken everything into account Michelle was actually the first person to ask me flat out if I was gay. I told her I honestly didn’t know – she suggested that what I should consider was having sex with a man and having sex with a woman. I had sex with a man –winner winner chicken dinner- I have been literally joking for most of my life that I had sex with a man and that was it… I didn’t need to have to sex with woman. “How would you know if you don’t try it?” – I’ll then ask if they’ve ever had sex with a man or a woman – “No!!!!” “How do you know if you don’t try it?”
I will hop on a slight high horse here – things seem easier for heterosexuals as there is none of this questioning, am I normal? Is this just an attraction or am I {pick a letter of the alphabet}. The impression that I do really get is that life is much more black and white for heterosexual people.
The next challenge at the end of the day was to get laid. Anyway we’ll get to that in a bit… So after my conversation with Michelle I decided to investigate the male option – obviously that’s more where my attraction lay… - now at this point I was 19 – I was 93kgs and my self-worth and self-image were total crap… so anyway I bought an ‘outrage’ magazine – it literally took me three weeks to build up the courage to buy the damn thing. I was made to feel even dirtier when it was given to me in a brown paper bag… YAY QUEENSLAND CENSORSHIP!!!! It was terrible, again I was being made to feel like I was somehow dirty or inferior or other. I really can not being to explain how awful growing up gay in Queensland was. So anyway I have this magazine which I have been made to feel is like a porn magazine and there’s articles that present points of view where gay people are ‘normal’ – it’s not the worst thing in the world to be gay. So anyway there were personals at the back of the magazine and I will admit it took me a fair bit of time to answer one of them – admittedly I had no idea of what most of the acronyms and so on meant… so it took me a couple of weeks to respond to a few. I think all of a sudden because I was a virgin (regardless of my self-image and self-esteem) it made me attractive. I was petrified to give out my home number because all of a sudden I was worried that I might be branded as ‘gay’ – I will be honest that I had no idea of how bad the culture of fear and discretion existed in the gay community. There is still a part of me that is quite saddened that gay men (including me) had to go through that.
Anyway a guy responded to my letter, I called him (again the amount of effort it took for me to do that) and asked me to go to Coolum for the weekend. So here’s a funny story – we had sushi for lunch one day and I’m trying to prove how sophisticated and shit I am… there’s a ball of wasabi… at this point I didn’t realise that you were supposed to scrape off a little bit of wasabi and mix it with the soy sauce. I ate the whole thing – straight down… bless his heart he tried his hardest to not laugh at me… he failed – oh looks it’s Michael doing what Michael does best… something stupid. He and I ended up becoming lovers for a couple of months – he was a sweet guy, just a little bit creepy… he worked at a high school and liked his men without hair… so yeah… I done got shaved… I’m hairy as now in part because of him… Another funny story (or not so funny) – when my first boyfriend and I broke up I became a clubber. Most Saturday nights I’d be at one of the main gay clubs in Brisbane – drugged up to the eyeballs and dancing my arse off – I couldn’t dance to begin with but I was pretty! It was also the start of my ‘muscle mary’ stage. So anyway I’m grabbing a drink of water and this man taps me on the shoulder – “you look familiar!” – I sized him up – “Sorry do I know you? I work in the city – you may have seen me there…” It was probably a mean thing to do considering he was my first. I remember him being a lot more attractive! Which you know probably a lot of my ex-lovers would say that about me and they’re entitled too…
I was a rude prick when I knew I was attractive. I will admit that much – I became a nasty gay. I did also have a reputation for being a slut – it a slut if you’re easy? Inquiring minds want to know? -laughs-
So yes I finally worked out that I was gay. Does that mean I came to terms with my sexuality? I’d say not – I feel at times I am still trying to come to terms with it – but that’s just me, that’s me and my whole unique set of problems. My self-image and sef-worth are so low that it gets all tangled up in this. And it’s “almost” funny – 30 years on and I am dealing with the same sort of issues… they are my issues though – don’t me wrong, I know I’m gay, I’m queerer than a $3 bill. It’s more about how I feel and my place in the world.
So yes I was gay, queer and fabulous…. –rolls eyes-
And then starts the whole process of coming out – the fact that as a gay man I had to do this really fucking shits me. I shouldn’t have to say I’m gay – it’s not like someone goes oh hi I’m Bob – I’m heterosexual!” Realistically I can’t say anyone can miss the fact that I’m gay – going by what people have told me its pretty obvious that I am that way inclined. I shouldn’t have to come out… I’ve had to come out as gay, I’ve had to come out as being a gay parent, I’ve had to come out as a violent offender so on so forth… I seem to have to spend my life coming out – some I understand the violent offender thing – yeah that makes sense. The gay man and gay parent thing no. I am a person first and foremost – what difference does it make who I sleep with? Apparently a lot…
This will come later in a few posts – I am a huge believer in equality – we are all the same. End of story – no ifs, no ands, no buts. In gay and lesbian circles that actually makes me quite rare. I’m the same as anyone else – I’m sure there’s no end of political discourse available on this and let’s just leave it where is it…
Anyway I started the process of coming out. I think the first person I told was my best friend. His response was “can’t you bisexual?” I can handle you being bisexual” I asked him if he was heterosexual – he said yes – oh can’t you be bisexual?
I really got petty – admittedly not as petty as some people…
I went to the movies with another friend Tiffany and I was being all serious and shit and told her that we was something we had to talk about – so we got some ice creams. It was her shout and she got me a Golden Gaytime… I think she knew somehow… so I told her I was gay, no worries no fuss…
I told Michelle –laughs- (and this has become a question I have been asked many times) “did you sleep with a woman?” “no I slept with a man and I didn’t feel the need to sleep with a woman.” For some reason people really have issues with this – how do you know if you have never gone there… would you sleep with a man? Ewwww no… how do you know if you have never gone there?
Everyone always has an icky coming story….
So I told a friend I was gay, he seemed to be ok with it, he then told his next door neighbour who I also thought was a friend. Anyway they gave me a couple of days to tell Dad that I was gay. So this was 1991 technically homosexuality was still illegal and because it was Dad… IT WAS DAD!!! Dad and I may have had our issues but he was my Dad. So anyway I have never been so stressed in my life, the amount of time it took me to build up the courage to tell Dad I was gay… I told him and this does still make me kind of laugh “as long as your happy!”… Dad was seriously very chill at times. I think it was also the whole 2nd child thing. I may have slightly flipped out… I think because of the amount of stress and anxiety – I said to him “what that’s it?” I had obviously expected the worse, to be kicked out, homeless etc… That’s not my Dad though.
Telling my brother – he came back from fruit and cotton picking in WeeWaa (he had the most awesome drawl!) and he was sleeping on a mattress on the floor in my for a couple of days. “Just so you know so you don’t feel uncomfortable – I’m gay” “yeah that’s cool”
So that was most of the coming out I had to – at the time and even now I realise how lucky I was coming out for me could have been much worse. Even now you hear of horror stories. So yes I got lucky… very lucky actually. I’ll continue this in the next instalment!!!
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